The Secret Life of Stewie Griffin
by UpToNoGood42
Summary: Title tells all. It's the secret life of Stewie Griffin.
1. Introduction

"Alright Stewie, You be good for Daddy while I'm gone," Lois Griffin said as she left to run some errands

"Alright Stewie, You be good for Daddy while I'm gone," Lois Griffin said as she left to run some errands.

"Yes, I'm sure I won't be able to get away with much while the fat man is taking his afternoon nap," Stewie commented.

"Okay Stewie, are you ready for a day filled with…" Peter said right before he fell asleep and landed on the couch.

"Now that Lois and the fat man are out I can make it, unnoticed, to the Stewie Cave," Stewie announced as he took off towards his bed room. As he ran past the bathroom he heard a flush. "Blast. I forgot about the mutt."

Stewie jumped and somersaulted into his room, pulled the bat in his toy chest which opened a secret door, and escaped into the weapons armory located in his room.

"Whoa," Stewie said. "That was a close one." Stewie started rummaging through the armory. "Found it."

He started creeping through the house when Brian spotted him and started questioning him. "So, what are you doing?"

"Oh nothing. I just got finished watching Spongebob. He and Patrick went to Atlantis."

"What do you plan on doing?"

"Nothing except for…" Stewie pulled out a bazooka, "Blowing your brains out if you don't get out of my way you flea-ridden bastard!"

"Oh my god, Stewie. You could kill someone with that."

"Yes, that's what I plan on doing."


	2. The Plot

Stewie tied up Brian and started jumping on top of him. "Tell me where the spare car keys are you slime bag."

"Why? Didn't Lois take the car to the market?"

"No you ignorant boob! She walked. Now tell me!" Stewie shouted.

"They're in Peter's underwear drawer," Brian admitted.

"Gross. You get them."

"You'll have to untie me."

"Good point. I'll get them myself."

Stewie reached into Peter's drawer and grabbed the keys. As he ran out the front door he yelled, "See ya." Stewie jumped in the car, turned the ignition, and drove off. He stopped in front of the Quahog Gun Shop.

He pulled a grenade out of his pocket. "Gotta make this shot count," Stewie said as he tossed the grenade into the store. As soon as it exploded he exited the car and walked into the burning gun shop. He came out with an A-K-47. "Now all that's left is to find Lois," Stewie said to himself.


	3. The Kill Zone

"Oh my, I almost forgot something," Stewie said as he walked next door to the Halloween store. He came out wearing a clown mask. "There. Now no one can know it was me."

The store owner came running out as Stewie drove off. "Hey, you didn't pay for that. Oh, what's the use?"

Stewie stopped at an alley and climbed up the fire escape to the roof. He leaped across the rooftops until he came to the roof of the Drunken Clam. He looked down at the intersection and saw Lois in a car with Quagmire.

"Thanks again, Glen. It's not every day that you sprain your ankle while shopping at the market," Lois told Quagmire.

"No problem," He replied.

Stewie started to aim the already loaded gun. He pulled the trigger. "What? I missed? It can't be."

The bullet had hit a criminal mugging a nun. He died instantly. The nun looked up towards the sky. "Thank you," She said.

"Time for fire two," Stewie announced as reached into his pocket. "What? It's empty? Blast, a hole."

Quagmire's car started to head towards the Griffins' house.

"I have to get back home."


	4. The End

Stewie took off across the rooftops as fast as he could. When it came time for him to jump down, he waited until Quagmire's car came up and then jumped on to of it.

"Glen, what was that?" Lois asked.

Quagmire answered, "Dang prostitute. I thought I ditched her in San Francisco."

"Anyways, let's gets back to my place. I bet Peter is wondering where I am.

"Zzzz," Peter snored.

As soon as the car pulled into the Griffin's driveway, Stewie shot a grappling hook out of his grappling gun, gave it a test tug, and climbed up to his room. He opened up the secret weapons armory and dropped his assassination gear off.

He climbed into his crib and pretended to be asleep just in time for Lois to walk in. "Aw. Look at my little Stewie," she said.

As soon as Lois walked out Stewie opened his eyes. "Your time will come, old shrew. Mwa-Ha-Ha!


End file.
